Everything and the Kitchen Sink
by 44Lefty
Summary: This is mostly just short stories featuring the Artemis Fowl characters. Some may be connected to each other, but most won't. They take place before, during, after, and between the books. I will include a brief summary of each one at the beginning of the chapter. The Artemis Fowl series and all associated characters, locations, and ideas belong to Eoin Colfer, not me.


Okay. This is the third time I've tried to start this story. (Neither of the other attempts have been published, so don't try to find them.) This is basically a bunch of short stories taking place before, during and after the books. This is the first fanfiction story I've published, so it probably won't be great. I encourage constructive criticism. I don't mind if people give me ideas for stories, but do keep in mind that I won't be able to use all of them.

This first one takes place sometime after The Lost Colony. Artemis's little brothers talk (read: manipulate) him into watching a few episodes of Doctor Who- specifically the episodes "The Empty Child" and "The Doctor Dances"- with them, giving Juliet the perfect idea for a prank.

Before I forget, I will try (keyword: try) to keep OCs to a minimum. If I do use an OC, I tell you a little bit about them at the beginning of the first chapter featuring them.

This story has been rattling around in my head for quite a while now.

Disclaimer: The Artemis Fowl series and all associated characters, places, and concepts belong to Eoin Colfer. Doctor Who, the "squareness gun", and the gasmask-zombies belong to the BBC. All I own is this story.

Everything and the Kitchen Sink Chapter One:  
Mummy?

Artemis didn't see what Myles and Beckett found so fascinating about this show. There was absolutely no plausible reason for humans- or, indeed, any living beings- to suddenly develop those deformations. Unless, of course, magic was involved, but considering this show was categorized as "science fiction" and humans- at least those who didn't know about the People- generally classified anything to do with magic as "fantasy", Artemis found that highly unlikely.

On screen, a young blond woman and two darker-haired men desperately fled what appeared to be a young boy- maybe four years old- wearing a gas mask. Artemis decided he didn't want to know why the rest of the characters were so frightened by the child.

"Use the squareness gun! Use the squareness gun!" Beckett yelled at the TV.

"Don't bother, Beckett," Myles sighed. "They can't hear you."

I'm not even going to ask what a "squareness gun" is, Artemis told himself.

Juliet, have heard Beckett's outburst, came to see what was going on. When she saw what the Fowl brothers were watching, she grinned. "I didn't know you liked Doctor Who, Arty."

"I'm only watching because the twins wanted me to," the young genius replied. "I find the premise of this particular episode absurd."

Fortunately for him, the twins were too engrossed in the show to take notice of this remark.

"Oh, come on. I love this one!"

"It makes no sense! What contagion could possibly result in human faces morphing into gas masks within a few minutes of contamination?"

"It can if it's not from Earth," Juliet retorted. "Besides, it's not a contagion. It's alien technology."

"Even so, a transfiguration like that would require massive changes to the victims' DNA. That would take months, even years," Artemis reasoned.

Juliet gave him rather disturbing smile. "We'll see about that."

The next morning, Artemis stretched and yawned, then rolled over. He heard his bedroom door open and groaned.

"Butler, there had better be a very good reason for you to disturb me this early in the morning," the Irish boy scolded without looking at his visitor.

"Are you my mummy?" a slightly muffled boy's voice asked.

Puzzled, Artemis sat up- and screamed.

Butler was in the kitchen, dutifully preparing breakfast, when he heard Artemis scream. The bodyguard immediately ran for the stairs.

When he reached the landing outside his charge's room, he found Juliet and the twins- Beckett wearing a gas mask for some reason- doubled over with laughter while Artemis told them off from the floor by his bed.

"What happened?" Butler growled. Juliet, Myles, and Beckett stopped laughing and Artemis smirked.

So, there's the first chapter so far. Feel free to let me know what you think, and I'll try to respond to all reviews at the beginning of the next chapter.

44Lefty 


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